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the hedges and the hibiscus

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[14 Nov 2010|02:55pm]
can i really keep doing this again, and again, and again, and again?

i suppose i have to.
1 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[10 Oct 2010|08:31pm]
Yo.
2 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[10 Jul 2010|05:13pm]
so sad and frightened
1 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[08 Jun 2010|02:26am]


five years ago
i loved a girl named nicole
and we'd laugh and talk and fight
and stay up all night
but mostly fight

oh i wish i could love her
it'd be so much better now

la la la la la la la la la
don't you know your name, girl?

[30 Jan 2010|10:51pm]
I took a moment this evening to stop and think about my life. I almost cried because I am so happy.

I don't know how I ended up with an amazing man who cares about me, looks after me, and gives me everything I want. He makes my life so wonderful. I have an amazing job that I enjoy, although granted I have just started it. I have amazing friends and great family. I am so, so lucky.

I wish everyone was as lucky as I am. I choke up just thinking about it.
don't you know your name, girl?

[12 Jul 2009|05:59pm]
i got what i wanted. :}
don't you know your name, girl?

[16 Jun 2009|05:52pm]
another boy down the drain. really, only a week was wasted on this one so it's no great loss, but i LIKE him. it's a disappointment. i feel like there's no one out there that i could like who could like me enough back to actually want to be with me. fuck and run, etc etc. [i can feel it in my bones, i'm going to spend my whole life alone]. i kind of hope that his indecisive mind takes over again and decides to give it a shot, but even if that happened i know i shouldn't accept it because he's been wishy washy this whole time. and he did say some kind of mean things. he said that my forwardness (is that a word?) "scares the shit out of him". and something about me sleeping with max after our first "disagreement" (his word, the first time he decided we should 'just be friends') messed him up or something. apparently. i guess i shouldn't have told him that. or maybe i shouldn't have done it... nahhh. there was no reason why that wasn't okay.

oh well. he talks to me on the facebook chat all the time. i don't really understand what's happening. i suppose i don't need to understand it, but i struggle with wanting to KNOW everything. i need to settle for it just being a no.


i didn't get this the first time around. now, i get it. sometimes it takes being in a certain frame of mind.

i'm drunk,
i'm drunk, and you're probably on pills.
if we've both got the same diseases,
it's irrelevant, girl.
and the room fills with steam,
oh, evaporates, disappears,
my point of entry is the same way that i leave.

it takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm,
do you really think that for house beat you'll find your love in a hole?

you won't find love in a, won't find love in a hole.
it takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.


it's so cold. i can see my breath in my bedroom.

i've been listening to and enjoying a lot of hiphop.

there is a lot happening in the hobart music scene in the next month. it's exciting.

and that's my life for now.

i will never love you more than anything.
1 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[10 Jun 2009|01:16am]
a third had just been made and we were swimming in the water
didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter
and it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
around in the water in the oceans in our bodies
and another had been found, another ocean on the planet
given that our blood is just like the atlantic
don't you know your name, girl?

[09 Jun 2009|12:18am]
oh, for fuck's sake.
don't you know your name, girl?

[03 Jun 2009|11:45pm]
here's me, here's you - draw a line between the two. this is cartography for beginners. on a map, the gap's three fingers. but it's more than that. it's more than that.


it kind of makes me laugh how much i thought of this song when christopher and i were overseas, away from each other. now the meaning seems so different, because i've interpreted differently.

two of my favourite modern bands are disintegrating in front of my eyes.
a couple of weeks ago, the lucksmiths announced their break-up.
now, los campesinos! lose a member.

sad.

my date is tomorrow. i'm kind of a little petrified.
don't you know your name, girl?

[01 Jun 2009|12:30am]
in a bizarre twist since the last entry,

i totally just got asked out on a date. by a cute boy with really great taste no less.

i met him on friday night. i was very drunk and i did proposition him and i'm sure he rejected me.

but he added me on facebook. and then proceeded to ask me out.
so okay.

i'd met him once before, maybe a year ago. at the metz, in sandy bay, when i was there with kaitlyn stalking jordy and jono. all i remember is that he was there with simon mckenzie, and kaitlyn and i were trying to guess where he was 'from'. mauritius.

we'll see.
don't you know your name, girl?

[31 May 2009|11:27am]
i don't know how he can be so harsh as to not even send me a message asking how i'm going or giving me an explanation. i know that even now, as i type this, he is falling into bed with that ugly girl and they are learning each others' bodies (if they were not already learnt). the fact that she is actually really quite unfortunate looking has given my self-esteem a big kick as well. i mean, seriously, christopher? her over me? i wonder if he thinks of me. one message... why can't he? i know that i was mostly innocent in this, that the largest lump of the breakdown can be put on his shoulders, but then, why do i feel so bad? i'm an okay girlfriend, he's a pretty bad boyfriend. i'm almost positive he cheated on me with her now. he told me that she kissed him at a party a while ago, i thought not much of it. but now... ugh. and i feel like even the friends of his that i like are conspirators in this, and oh god, after this debacle fucking waste of two years of my life i don't think i will be able to trust somebody for a very, very long time.

i cried for the first time, the other day. a week and a half later. it's really kicking in now.

i think he never really cared about us. certainly he hasn't for a long time, anyway. i feel cheated. and i hate wasting time.

"i don't know if this will help or make it harder. but i saw the way he looked at you, he cared."

i am always thinking about him realising he made a mistake and coming back. but it would never, never, never be the same. i can never trust him again. last time it was different, because he wasn't leaving me for somebody else. this time, well, what has she got? something he couldn't get from me. it could always happen again.

i ain't saying you treated me unkind
you could have done better, but i don't mind
you just kinda wasted my precious time
but don't think twice, it's all right
1 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[28 May 2009|07:35pm]
i know you'll find a better man
they're all too easy to find
and i'll just go away somewhere
and slowly lose my mind
don't you know your name, girl?

[22 May 2009|02:53pm]
well, christopher and i are no more.

it hurts less than it did last time. i haven't even really cried yet. it was on wednesday. though i cried a lot on tuesday because i think i kind of knew. he was ignoring me. not answering his phone. so i just went to his house and he broke up with me.

i think that each time that happens he takes away some part of my ability to really let myself go and really love somebody. i don't know how i am going to love again. i'm not deluding myself, but he was my big love and i won't meet somebody who makes me feel that way again. even though i'm just numb to it this time around. i've turned myself off.

immediately after he broke up with me i called max. an hour or two later we were in bed together. these things aren't all bad. it helped me feel attractive and wanted for a while and it was good and fun.

melbourne on the weekend. okkervil river and the lucksmiths. the lucksmiths were adorable and okkervil river were spine-tinglingly amazing. is it.
2 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

[19 May 2009|11:12pm]
i have an alcohol problem.

i'm not afraid to admit it

(to livejournal).
don't you know your name, girl?

[12 May 2009|07:02pm]
oh, mother, i can feel the soil falling over my head
and as i climb into an empty bed...
oh well, enough said

i know it's over, still i cling
i don't know where else i can go

oh, mother, i can feel the soil falling over my head
see, the sea wants to take me
the knife wants to slit me
do you think you can help me?

sad veiled bride, please be happy
handsome groom, give her room
loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
though she needs you more than she loves you...

and i know it's over, still i cling
i don't know where else i can go

i know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real
and you even spoke to me and said
"if you're so funny
then why are you on your own tonight?
and if you're so clever
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very entertaining
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very good looking
why do you sleep alone tonight?
i know
because tonight is just like any other night
that's why you're on your tonight
with your triumphs and your charms
while they're in each other's arms"

it's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes strength to be gentle and kind

love is natural and real
but not for you, my love
not tonight, my love

love is natural and real
but not for such as you and i, my love

oh, mother, i can feel the soil falling over my head
don't you know your name, girl?

[15 Apr 2009|05:28pm]

i live in hobart now. i like my house, and my housemates, although one of them is kind of noisy.

my cat got run over last night. she's dead.

my boyfriend leaves for melbourne tomorrow. he's having an operation on his arteries.
don't you know your name, girl?

[10 Feb 2009|08:53am]
i've been out of the country for five weeks. i'm home now. i kept a real journal while i was away. if i'm bored i might put it here. it doesn't really matter. i'm happy.
don't you know your name, girl?

[30 Nov 2008|09:45pm]
sarah and i just watched 'emma' together and it was real lovely.

i think we're just about halfway through christopher's trip now. he's back on the 16th. i miss him so much, but i am trying to keep busy and i know that he's behaving himself. i trust him. when i pick up his jumper that he left for me, though, and smell it (okay, maybe slightly strange), i feel so sad and i just want to be wrapped up in his arms. also, i miss sex. woe!

i went to hobart on friday, it was nice. i had some pancakes and saw paint your golden face and ivy st.

i'm going to melbourne on the weekend. it will be very good to allow myself to fed and looked after by my dad and my stepmum, because i've been quite broke lately. i bought the most adorable sunglasses for my five year old sister for her christmas present, it is a relevant gift because christmas is in the middle of summer here. they are pink. i, also, have pink sunglasses. she can be just like me.
don't you know your name, girl?

[04 Nov 2008|09:48pm]
a few hours ago i said to a sexually frustrated kaitlyn, 'i transfer the conquest of jordy to you. i'm over it.'

right now she is at his house.

these things move quickly.

there is a twinge of illogical jealousy, but mostly i am squeakingly happy for her and i know she will share with me all the sordid details.

it was all,
k; 'i want sex, who can i harass? jordy?'
a; 'yeah!'
k; 'how can i phrase it without sounding desperate?'
a; 'how about 'hey, wanna come over tonight?''
k; 'perfect! sent it!'
a; 'yay!'
k; 'omg omg omg omg, he said 'yes. where you at?''

paraphrased slightly. then we had a conversation about piercings. jordy has nostril/tragus. we wonder if he has any else. she is probably discovering right now. oh my! i am excited.

there is the understanding that should christopher and i break up, kaitlyn and i will share. we have shared boys before, namely, the disappointment that is brad trull (he was a disappointment to both of us, therefore we happily conclude the issue is with him and not with our sexiness).

but;

christopher and i are going swimmingly.
i think i'm still in love with him, but i'm not mentioning that word until he does.
well, that is a lie.
it slipped out of me once,
in a conversation of the physical deformities we have ...
we both have rather large noses
and ribcage deformities
i have pectus excavatum (sunken sternum)
and he has almost the opposite, his ribcage pokes out a bit.
he was being insecure, and in a slip of the tongue i said
'i don't mind, i love you with your deformities.'
then i swallowed and said
'oh, i just said that word, didn't i.'
he teased me and said i had probably been blogging about whether or not to use the l word for ages.
this got my hackles up because well i hadn't
in fact i'd been wondering if it was worth it
but oh well.

and we all go nuts about this little blonde boy.
www.myspace.com/cracklingpigskin

one and a half weeks and my boyfriend is gone.
1 candy cane child(ren) | don't you know your name, girl?

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