the hedges and the hibiscus (ivorymittens) wrote,
the hedges and the hibiscus

i don't know how he can be so harsh as to not even send me a message asking how i'm going or giving me an explanation. i know that even now, as i type this, he is falling into bed with that ugly girl and they are learning each others' bodies (if they were not already learnt). the fact that she is actually really quite unfortunate looking has given my self-esteem a big kick as well. i mean, seriously, christopher? her over me? i wonder if he thinks of me. one message... why can't he? i know that i was mostly innocent in this, that the largest lump of the breakdown can be put on his shoulders, but then, why do i feel so bad? i'm an okay girlfriend, he's a pretty bad boyfriend. i'm almost positive he cheated on me with her now. he told me that she kissed him at a party a while ago, i thought not much of it. but now... ugh. and i feel like even the friends of his that i like are conspirators in this, and oh god, after this debacle fucking waste of two years of my life i don't think i will be able to trust somebody for a very, very long time.

i cried for the first time, the other day. a week and a half later. it's really kicking in now.

i think he never really cared about us. certainly he hasn't for a long time, anyway. i feel cheated. and i hate wasting time.

"i don't know if this will help or make it harder. but i saw the way he looked at you, he cared."

i am always thinking about him realising he made a mistake and coming back. but it would never, never, never be the same. i can never trust him again. last time it was different, because he wasn't leaving me for somebody else. this time, well, what has she got? something he couldn't get from me. it could always happen again.

i ain't saying you treated me unkind
you could have done better, but i don't mind
you just kinda wasted my precious time
but don't think twice, it's all right
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